“Abandonment. I commit to putting my expectations, entitlement, comfort, friends, and family second to following Jesus. ” Anyone who comes to me but refuses to let go of father, mother, spouse, children, brothers, sisters- yes, even one’s own self- can’t be my disciple.” (Luke 14:26)”
That is one of the rules we as World Racers agree to in order to go on this journey of ministry workers. Every word God spoke we openly follow, we prioritize, we ensure that we are carrying out His words and living our lives the way He has intended for us. But I never really put the most in depth thought into this verse from Luke and honestly, that’s okay. If you know me you know that just over a year ago I left my family for the first time, and it wasn’t to go serve as a disciple, but in the military rather. I was okay with leaving, I was prepared, I knew that my family, my boyfriend at the time, his family, all of my friends and other supporters were at home encouraging me from a distance and that was enough to ease my mind about any fear of abandonment. I can’t say it wasn’t hard, I still had nights where all I wanted was to be surrounded by them, but I knew that for the time being, that just wasn’t possible and I had to quickly come to terms with that. When I got home, I was so thankful to be embraced by my loved ones once again that I didn’t think I’d ever want to leave… at least not any time soon. But, little did I know, God put the World Race in front of me and clearly He had a very different plan. Now, here I am after a route change, 155 days away from leaving for the race with the fear of abandonment filling my head. I missed so much when I was gone the first time, what else could I possibly miss this time? Or what about when I leave for the Navy again? What’ll happen then? See, there’s only so much connection you get from pictures of moments you weren’t there for, or letters recapping days on end of long lasting memories that you weren’t there to be a part of. In the words of the amazing Olivia Rodrigo, “Gosh, it’s brutal out here.” Don’t get me wrong, I am so thankful that I’m still being thought of, encouraged and there’s such worse situations that I could be in. God put me in a comfortable life where I don’t have to worry about much. I don’t have to worry about food, shelter, love, being persecuted for following Christ, bombings, education and so much more so why should I be worried about saying goodbye? How freaking selfish of me is that?! But that doesn’t mean it’s not still hard. Then, I remind myself that God puts these feelings in me and puts me on this journey to become closer to Him. Closer to following His words and living how he intended. I am a disciple of God “Here I am Lord. Send me! (Isaiah 6:8) Lord, here I heckin am, let this fear of abandonment and saying goodbye alter and rather, let it be used as encouragement to go serve with my heart and complete love for you Lord. I am your disciple, use me in any way you need, to encourage, to heal, to educate, to build, just use me. There’s something so neutralizing about surrendering to God, a weight lifted off your shoulders, relief in your heart, so with all of this being said; Lord, I surrender. Go send me where you need me, put this mission on my mind and my heart, so I can go “establish the work of our hands.” (Psalm 90:17)
