Do you ever just hear a song and then you have to replay it over and over again because you get the chills every. time. it. plays.? I was driving home from work this past morning and Grace by Lewis Capaldi came on and holy heck thank gosh I was almost home because I really started crying listening to this dang song at 7 a.m.?
Everyone makes mistakes in life, but this past year or so was filled with them for me. I pulled away from my faith and I was on a downhill spiral. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I felt lost, alone, unheard, like I had no purpose, I was fully of questions, but mostly, I was angry at God. That sounds horrible, but it’s true. It’s like I ran up this hill and instead of staying at the peak and taking in all of the world’s glory, I started tumbling down the side and I just couldn’t stop myself. My entire life, I’ve been a very open follower of Christ and I knew that the only way to restrengthen my relationship with the Lord was to finally go back to church (or watch online because COVID isn’t very swag and I wasn’t rising it for a biscuit), diving back into scripture and accepting the forgiveness that I was given. It was like a turning point, my heart opened and God just walked right in and in turn, His arms opened so wide and I just threw myself in them and was surrounded by His grace. I surrendered once more and at that moment, I found salvation in the form of the Lord’s grace. A wave of peace rushed over me and that was my turning point.
The beginning of the downwards part of the hill wasn’t steep, it was like a slope more so, then everything went wrong and I was on a rampage. But looking back at it, nothing went wrong, I was going downhill because He was waiting to embrace me at the bottom. I came to realize that I did’t have a broken heart, I had a servants heart waiting to be complete once more by venturing out into the world and serving, reaching out in communities I’ve never heard of, diving in and giving them 100% of who I am. I am broken, but I am loved, I have cracks and scars, but God’s grace is slowly but surely filling them in. The amazing humans I’ve met, the people I will serve with and those I will serve are already on my heart and we are connected within the kingdom.
I’m not saying that doubts and questions are gone because those late night chats I have with God are crazyyy! Like I just chat and ask questions, explore, find my own beliefs within His word and how all of the communities I am apart of fit together like pieces of a puzzle. But, it’s undeniable that at the bottom of that hill, I found salvation in the form of God’s amazing grace. The path may have ups and plenty of downs, but reminding myself that I am on this path that He intended is a light at the end of the tunnel for me.
